this perfect world threw me awat

2004-02-24T06:08:00.000-08:00

ooo guess what?
i finally relocated away from blogger, and to diaryland!
yaayy.

my new home

come find me.

2004-02-21T20:58:00.001-08:00

In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people
who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion

"I want to fall in love with You"

"my heart beats for You"

wow finally im at a loss for words..doesnt change anything tho...it never works out...

2004-02-21T20:58:00.000-08:00

i'm trying to find the good in people.

the beauty in the world

and the truth about the real me.

[im afraid, but im tired of lying.]

ive had enough of pretending everything is alright, when its not.

i hate laughing, i hate smiling, and i hate telling pple to leave me alone and dont bother.

i dont want that..i just dont want to influence pple.

and i dont wanna let anyone in.

maybe im embarassed of who i am on the inside.

or maybe im just scared. since i dont even know what im doing anymore.

i hate telling everyone who had least pretends to care to leave me alone.

i hate telling Christ i dont love him anymore.

the truth is, i do love him.

i just dont want to anymore.

it hurts too much cos i know what im doing is bad and wrong.

i know im taking the easy way out

i fool around now, and feel the blame later

with christ it doesnt go that way.

neither does it without.

but i'd like that disillusionment.

at least i know, there's someone there who needs me.

even if his aim's to destroy god,

he needs me.

when he falls and dies, tho his pple believe otherwise

i'll fall and die with him

over and over again.

i wont be happy

but was i ever happy before?

[sorry to you. i promised you i wont bring anybody down. and i'll try my best to ensure that happens. but u see, for that to happen, i need total solitude. i'll try my best]

2004-02-19T02:16:00.000-08:00

Versace: Oww, the essence of haute! You are
flashy, daring, and dramatic! You believe in
beauty above practicality and view fashion as
art.

What fashion designer fits you
brought to you by Quizilla

~Dark Angel- Your not scarred or hurt, you were
just born with a darkside. Your darkside
dominates your personality and you are happy
that way. You are always yourself and if people
have a problem with that...you really dont
care. Prone to be slightly selfish and
concieded, you most likely have more friends of
the oposite sex. You are sexy and manipulative,
often doing whatever it takes to get your way.
You probably have a certain disregard for the
rules and maybe have a rep of being a 'bad
girl' or even a slut. Though you often go on
instincts and impulses, your smart. And though
you are prone to be selfish there is alwayz
someone your loyal to and may even put their
needs above your own.

good......dark`~Angelz~`light......evil
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-02-18T05:20:00.000-08:00

im not gonna be that secretive anymore. i just cant take it anymore.
wrote these two awhile back. and i hate them so much. they sound so. stupidly childish. whatever

three years of my life gone
wasted on insecurity
its about time
that i tried to get free
but i tried a lot before
drowned in an ocean of pain
while my arms and legs failed
a tough choice of if i should try again
maybe this time i'll make it
or maybe i'll lose it again
then just smile and fake it
but why the hell
should i even bother
i've fallen from faith
and rejected the Father
so no one's there
to help me get out
no one around
to hear me shout
all i can do is talk--to myself
though it gets real old
i got dealt a losing hand in life
so i give up and fold

----this seems incomplete and utterly childish.
----------------------------------------------------
you think you know what i'm about
but actually, you never will.
you think you know what i'm feeling
but actually, you'll have no idea.
at first i let you in,
but now i shut you out.
when you think im happy,
my feelings tear me apart.
when im smiling to the world,
im crying to myself.
wont you understand? im not you.
won't you truly listen? i want it to happen.
cant you ever see? that all i really wanna do
is leave this world right now.

this was what i meant when not being secretive anymore. to all those out there who think you know whats going on, trust me you dont. and i really wanna be left alone. please.
nat--even you. i cant find the words to tell you. so i hope u'll chance upon this. i don't want to talk about it to you. i never did. i just thought it would help you. but erm. i cant anymore. i need a break. so yea, u can of course still confide in me...i just cant confide in you. what i told you was already too much. and yea. er...........................fine whatever. yea.

ath/adora--sorry

amelia/jonathan/isaac/mark/everyone else--im not insane. so stop whispering. stop arguing. stop pretending you care. please.

2004-02-16T14:16:00.001-08:00
guess i get it now. course i was too proud to loathe myself, even for a second when i was younger, too proud to admit i wasnt perfect, too full of self-love and no self-pity at all...it happened. well, guess it's in full-force now though.

shocker.

2004-02-15T02:52:00.002-08:00
godsmack - i stand alone
now I've told you this once before
you can't control me
if you try to take me down you're gonna pay
now I feel your every nothing that you're doing for me
i'm picking you outa me
you run away
i stand alone
inside
i stand alone
you're always hiding behind your so called goddess
so what you don't think that we can see your face
resurrected back before the final fallen
i'll never rest until I can make my own way
i'm not afraid of fading
i stand alone
feeling your sting down inside of me
i'm not dying for it
i stand alone
everything that I believe is fading
i stand alone
inside
i stand alone
and now its my time (now its my time)
it's my time to dream (my time to dream)
dream of the sky (dream of the sky)
make me believe that this place isn't plagued
by the poison in me
help me decide if my fire will burn out
before you can breathe
breathe into me
i stand alone
inside
i stand alone
feeling your sting down inside of me
i'm not dying for it
i stand alone
everything that I believe is fading
i stand alone
inside
i stand alone
inside
i stand alone
inside
i stand alone
inside